Thankfulness

Thankfulness.

It has been popular among some of my Facebook friends, especially at my church, to do a post about something they are thankful for each day of November, as a spiritual practice.  I believe deeply in the spiritual practice of thankfulness, and it's something that I try to incorporate into our daily family life.  I meant to do the "30 Days of Thankfulness" challenge, but clearly I am mildly organizationally challenged, and have not gotten to posting on Facebook each day.  But every time I see the posts it reminds me to say my own little prayer of joy, and I wanted to write down some of the things I think about.  Writing in general is about working through our challenges, and I hope by writing this blog I can tell stories that encourage others to work through their challenges as well.  But it is also important to stop and write down the words of strength, blessing, and power.

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I am thankful to live in this place in the world.  I am thankful for the beauty that God creates around me each day.  God made beauty everywhere in the world, and I am thankful for that as well, but I am glad that fate set me down in this place.  I love watching the seasons change; I love that I don't know what the weather will be next; I love our long gardening season; I love the cool and rainy days as much as the sunny and inviting ones.  The differences make me more grateful for everything.  In this place in the world, I am thankful to be within a few hours' drive of the ocean, the mountains, and the high desert.  I love each of these places for their own reasons.  I am thankful that we can camp in the summer and explore more of our world.  I am thankful that there are so many places to explore and discover within driving distance of our home.  And this moment, I am thankful for the beauty of the leaves, and the yellow beech tree outside my bedroom window.  And the icicles that hung off each leaf, transforming the landscape, which we were blessed with yesterday.

I am thankful for the community where we live, as well.  I am thankful for my individual friends, and also our church home, where I feel involved and welcome.  I am thankful for all the ways and places that embrace my children and their needs: I feel incredibly blessed to have a school that fits their unique educational needs, and moreover is loving and supportive to them as human beings -- all of which, AND they are well organized!  I am thankful for our local support group for adoptive families.  I am thankful that we have options for classes and learning for our children: I am thankful that we can choose a dance studio based on positives, not just finding one that doesn't play skanky music for little girls; I am thankful that we have options to choose horse riding, gymnastics, and other opportunities for the children to exercise their bodies and minds.  I am also thankful for the professionals in our community.  I am thankful that we have a pediatrician who is respectful of my choices as a mother; I am thankful that we can find counseling and therapy solutions that are appropriate to help our children work through their challenges.

I am thankful for the nature all around us.  I am thankful that I can take the dogs out on the trails near our house, and that those trails are surrounded by trees, and mist, and the blooming and fading flowers of the different seasons.  I love the trilliums and trout lilies which appear for only a few weeks in the early spring; every year they are like a special treat from nowhere, and they remind me both that life is fleeting and precious, and also amaze me with how well they are adapted to live and thrive in such a specific environment.  I am thankful for the orchards and farms near our home, and that we can eat fresh produce grown from our own fertile land.  Nature truly is a place of calm that restores our souls.

I am thankful for the opportunity to have lived in different places in the world.  I have lived on different sides of America, and I have lived for at least some time on three different continents.  I have learned and grown with each new place, and the chance to live in other areas has given me a deeper appreciation and joy for being where I am now.

I especially am thankful for the chance to live in Uganda.  I never planned on it, and I might not have made the choice to spend so long there if I had known what it would entail.  But no amount of reading or spending time simply traveling or visiting can give you the same deep appreciation of a new place, than truly committing yourself to a new place.  It was difficult to be away from my own culture, but when my only associates were Ugandans, I learned a deeper level of friendship.  When I close my eyes, I can still feel the golden warmth on my skin, still taste the red dirt in the air, the constant smells and sounds that are so different from our polite and purifed life in America.  I am thankful to have made some part of Africa, into some part of me.

I am thankful for so many of the small things around my home, all the things of beauty and memory.  I am thankful for my bed which is both pleasant to look at and comfortable.  I am thankful for the antique *** in the dining room, which is useful, lovely, and gives a special feeling to our home.  I am thankful for the pictures of my family on the walls, and holding tight to each little memory.  I am thankful for the mementos of our travels and our special times together: a plate from Italy, boats and drums representing different cultures.  I am thankful for our painted walls, which are beautiful, and which I created in the time before I had children, when I was imagining a house full of children.

I am thankful for clothes to wear, which make me feel both pretty and confident.  I used to try to move beyond trying to be pretty, but as I have learned more honestly to assess myself, I have become a more complete person by accepting my face, my body, and my desire to feel good about myself.  I am thankful for friends and for systems that have helped me figure out what to wear to feel good about myself, and I am thankful for plenty of second-hand stores in town so I can have the fun of shopping without investing too much money in clothes!  I am also thankful for my children's clothes.  They are warm, comfortable, and help them feel attractive and joyful in their bodies -- also I am thankful for the big consignment sales in our community which allow me to do a season's worth of children's shopping at one time, and for a very reasonable price!  I hope that these tools, both the outer accoutrements and the inner wisdom that I am gaining, will help me to teach my children about loving and taking care of their bodies.  I hope to be able to teach my daughters to honor and respect their physical selves, and my son to be able to identify and be drawn to the way inner beauty reflects on the outside of a woman.  I am grateful for a community of women, both near and far, who are supporting my journey towards beauty; both those who advise me, and some wonderful women of color who have stepped up to offer special words of encouragement to my daughters.

I am thankful to be an American.  I spent many years disappointed in many things about my country, or envious of the history and culture of other countries.  I think much of that is youthful idealism, and that over-idealizing any country does not help to work to improve it.  But going through the process of adoption helped me to focus on what I really appreciate: our country is  made up of so many different kinds of people, from many backgrounds, many colors, many cultures, many thought processes.  Our country is still more welcoming than many to new immigrants who come to appreciate the opportunities we have to offer, and as they come they strengthen America and give so many opportunities to learn and grow to those of us who already live here.

I am thankful for our health.  Although each of us in our family has one or two weaknesses in our body, they do not interfere with our daily lives.  We are each strong enough to go hiking, to hug each other and run and create.  We have not been struck with any serious illness, and if one of us were, I am also deeply thankful for the medical care to which we have access.  There are serious problems and stressors with medical care (and the opportunity to access it) in America, but at least it is present.  And many doctors, nurses, and other people involved in medicine are truly helpful and doing their best to connect as human beings and help us be well.


And at this point, I could go on and on and on.... each time I think about something that I am thankful for, it reminds me of something else, and I look around and think of something else.  I am thankful the education and opportunities I have; I am thankful for the people who have raised me or who affected me in my youth; I am thankful for our warm home and running water; I am thankful for small things in life and ones so large I know I cannot fully comprehend them.  I don't think anyone will keep reading if I keep writing all night long!  But every single one of these items that I mentioned are things that I think about every day -- and I do mean every day.  Maybe on one day I won't think so hard about being an American and another day I might not think quite so hard about my furniture, but my daily litany of thankfulness is too long to write down.

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So I will end with the bedrocks of thankfulness.

I am thankful that we have enough money to make choices.  I recognize that so many of the other blessings come from the power that power.  Yes, there are many blessings that are free -- but the space and mental freedom to enjoy them is directly related to having enough money to first enjoy security.  We still have to worry about where we are going to spend our money, or how to plan for things in the future, but I know it is such an incredible blessing, that we know for sure that we have the basics in our lives: food, shelter, transportation.  And that because we are secure in those things, all of us -- children and adults -- can dedicate our energy to higher mental and emotional processes.
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I am thankful for my family.  Every single day, so many times a day, I look around at each of them and I am so thankful to have each of them around me.  I am thankful for my cat, KC, whose fur is so soft.  I am thankful for my dogs, their unwavering devotion and how they inspire me to be outside and active every day.  I would not take care of myself nearly so well if they weren't there to remind me, and I don't need to sigh about my babies growing up and away from me when my dogs are happy to fill that role for the rest of my life.

I am thankful for Sunflower, who made me into a mother.  I don't think I ever would have gone on the journey I have been through since, if it weren't for that love that has transformed me.

I am thankful for Buttercup, and her sweetness and gentle personality.  I am daily amazed how different she is from the other children, and she fills a unique role in our family.

I am thankful for Hibiscus.  Every day with her is full of challenges, but she shines with such a brilliant light.  It is my honor to be her mother, and have the chance to guide her through her life.

I am thankful for my husband.  We are similar and different enough to compliment and balance each other.  I am thankful for the times when he supports me and we work as a team to run our household and raise our family, and I am thankful for the times when we are able to sit down and talk, and we always have new things to say to each other.  And I look back and forward with thankfulness at the trips we have shared and the new experiences in our future!  As much as my children take my time, energy, and physical love, my marriage and my husband is the heart of my family.  I am thankful to have such a good life partner, and that our love keeps growing and deepening as the years pass.

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And I am thankful for God and the divine, and that every day and every year offers the chance to deepen my understanding and faith.  I would not have enough strength or courage to continue every day without knowing that some One much deeper is sustaining me.  When I am worn out and frustrated, and yet still find patience and love for my children, it is because He is pouring it through me.  I can manage to see this difficult journey of motherhood -- and personhood -- with fulfillment and joy, because through God I see it as a journey and not a destination.  I do not expect myself to be perfect already, because I know my entire life is a journey towards the "me" that God has dreamed for me.  I can take a deep breath and forgive myself at the end of the day, because I know that God has forgiven me first.

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While writing this, I keep thinking of more things for which I am thankful.  I remember them and am joyful in my life every single day.

I am Published, and Hibiscus's Words

November is National Adoption Month, and our local adoption support group is hosting a conference this weekend.  They usually publish an op-ed in the newspaper to raise awareness about adoption in general and also the conference.  This year I was asked to write it, and I am honored to have my writing published with actual printing presses and things!  Today my writing was published in The Register Guard.

But before I share the link, I would like to broaden the discussion.  So much about adoption is written and talked about by one side of the adoption triad: the adoptive parents.  The voices of adoptees and birth parents are more difficult to hear.  When I think about adoption, and when I write, I try to imagine and share the perspectives of the less privileged parties in adoption.  My children are not yet able to think, write, or share with any broad perspective about what adoption means to them, but I can include a few words.

This morning, Daddy showed the paper with my article to the children and I.  They were excited to see Mama's name in print, and Hibiscus asked what the article was about.  She has sometimes been very upset to even hear the word "adoption," so I was a little cautious how to explain honestly without bringing up upsetting feelings.  "I wrote about going to Africa and bringing you into the family," I told her, "and how happy we were.  And about adoption, and that it is very happy, but it also has challenges."

She remained calm, and thought about that for a minute, and then gave me her perspective.  These are her thoughts about the challenges of adoption:
"It is challenging.  Because there are no mommies, and there are no daddies."

It took me a moment to follow her train of thought back to the orphanage.  "Oh, so that part is hard?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied, "and also there's no food.  That's really hard too."  And then she calmly finished up her breakfast and moved on with her day.




Now that I stop and contemplate her words, I am struck by how powerfully she summed up the experience in a few words.  Not adoption itself, which I had written about, but what leads to adoption.  The pain from which our families and our joy can be born.  As a mother, it is my job to think about how to heal her pain, and I do spend so much time and energy trying to do just that.  This conference will support my job to help support her grow through, beyond, and despite her pain.

But for this morning, here is the message from another side of the adoption triad.  It's not about the growing and the joy; it's the most salient words from a 7-year-old who sees and remembers both sides of life.  Many children are still living in the world she remembers:


It's really hard.

There are no mommies.

There are no daddies.

There is no food.


My perspective

Halloween

This year for Halloween, we packed up the van, headed over the mountains, and spent the weekend hiking.  The kids were so busy exploring the canyon below our rented cabin, any thoughts of costumes or vague stories about trick-or-treating disappeared entirely from their minds.  My husband, mother, and I relaxed around the fake fireplace that evening, enjoying our peaceful and quiet Halloween night.

Our first Halloween with children was six years ago, and so far, we haven't done trick-or-treating or the mainstream cultural activities.  On different years we have chosen some different activities, and most of them have included a costume for Sunflower and something social.  This is first year with all three children, and the first year that any of the children could really absorb stories from their peers and figure out that they might be missing out on something.  So why did we choose this year to skip the holiday entirely?

I'm sure the kids would have had some joyful moments and happy memories, but I felt like they would be overshadowed by "yucky" feelings.  (As my kids so eloquently lump together all the feelings they don't want to discuss!)  I forsaw both positives and negatives for the younger kids, but I think it would have been the most difficult for Hibiscus.

First of all, anything out of the ordinary is difficult for Hibiscus.  She is a sensory and emotional seeker, always wanting bigger and stronger experiences and feelings, but although she craves them, they don't make her happy.  She is most calm, and therefore the most able to focus, accomplish something she can be proud of, and socially successful, in her very structured school environment.  She looks forward to family parties and celebrations, but once we actually get there, she gets revved up until she spends most of the time skittering from one person and activity to another; Daddy or I have to follow her with constant reminders to keep her within even loose parameters of socially acceptable behavior; and pretty much every special event ends with a toddler-style meltdown.  And these are family gatherings, where there are only ten people or so, most of whom are calm adults and familiar to Hibiscus!

With Halloween, we are now entering our first big season of American holidays.  October through January, major events follow each other in quick succession, each of which is full of things that children are supposed to do, and even supposed to feel.  Imagine how confusing this season would be to any immigrant!  Hibiscus is at a particularly difficult age, where she is old enough to be expected to participate fully and independently in all the activities, and yet young enough that she is unable to learn by abstracts: she needs the chance to experience the holiday, which she has never had.  She doesn't have the type of personality where she can stand off to the side, watch, and learn for a few minutes; she would need to be just as much in the middle as any second grader, but she doesn't know what's going on.  It's a difficult connundrum.

Add into that her sensory and planning issues -- she is constantly getting uneven and unusual stimulus from even normal events, missing some feelings and cues and being overwhelmed by other normal ones (sensory processing issues), and is unable to plan ahead, calm her own body, or put events in a larger context.  Every day life is constantly confusing for Hibiscus; special events must be a nightmare.  Except a nightmare that she wants to enjoy!

So, at the beginning of October, I was feeling like if we were going to skip some of the holiday season, Halloween would be a good one, simply because I'm not that attached to it.  But as the month went on, it became apparent that Halloween would present even more challenges than usual.

Many children and adults enjoy the feeling of being slightly scared, and then overcoming their negative feelings and feeling even more powerful afterwords.  Halloween is a time to celebrate those feelings, and push ourselves to see how scared we can be and still feel good afterwords.  I admit that I myself am not one of those people, and I have never enjoyed scary movies or creepy pictures.  My children all seem to be following closely in my footsteps, and as we drove around town, even a smiling skelton decoration, passed at 30 mph, invoked strong "that's yucky! I don't like that! make it go away!"  We live in a college town, where a lot of people enjoy their gory decorations, and as the holiday gets closer, they become happy to supplement it with inappropriately sexy.  Well, the sexy is their own issue in their frat parties or wherever they end up, but when it's walking down the street at one in the afternoon, it is inappropriate regarding the conversations I need to have with my school-age children!  Gone is the age when I can distract them with singing a song about pumpkins while we pass a pack of vampires with their thong underwear showing.  My kids are really good at questions!

Short of thong underwear, the costumes and dressing up is something I'm willing to celebrate about Halloween.  I think that it is positive for children to have a chance to turn into something else, and dressing up as animals or story-book characters is an empowering experience for them.  However, as the holiday approached, it became clear this wasn't to go over smoothly, either.  My kids regularly don capes, blankets, and scarves to "turn into" different characters, and if everyone's costumes were at this playful level, they would have all had fun.  But many people enjoy the opportunity that Halloween provides to transform themselves more completely, which is wonderful.  Except my kids are still figuring out who people are in the first place!  It became clear as we saw various semi-costumes that Hibiscus was really upset by things and people turning into something else, and I would guess that Buttercup would have felt the same way.  And why wouldn't they?  Our entire culture is still less than a year old to them.  When you're just figuring out what someone's role is and how to treat them, wouldn't you get mad if they suddenly became something else -- especially something you have never seen before?

Furthermore, play-acting about scary things is much more fun when you don't believe they are really, truly, real.  For most of us, we might hear a weird sound in the woods or see shadows in a dark room, and our minds might jump to thoughts of monsters or spirits, but then our rational minds quickly say "ghosts aren't real."  This helps us to calm down, and American children as young as 5 or so use this self-calming process.  But in Uganda, like in much of Africa, this self-soothing technique doesn't exist: evil DOES walk the earth in bodily form.  Rather than parents comforting their children by turning on lights and reading cheering stories, Ugandan parents warn their children not to go out after dark so the witches don't grab them.  And children really ARE taken by witches!  Even I was warned about the common kidnapping grounds near our house.  Every single person I talked with, even the most educated and the most devout Christian, believed in witchcraft and took it seriously.  In fact, living in Uganda changed my own views about witchcraft and black magic as well.  All that probably works out to be another chapter in this blog, but it is probably a huge reason that although they have imported many of our traditions, there is no Ugandan equivalent to a day when you run around pretending to play with evil spirits.  They were accepted to be there in daily life, and that the main goal was to AVOID them.  All three of my children were immersed in this culture and these beliefs, Hibiscus to the greatest extent.  It only just occurs to me as I'm writing this, that this is probably why Sunflower was more upset by Halloween "decorations" this year than he was when he was only three.

The children's Waldorf school puts on a little Hallween/harvest festival celebration every year.  I hear that it is very sweet, and is along the lines of costumed children walking through a hay bale path, following the life cycle of wheat, and ending with a hot bun to eat.  I saw other second-grade parents preparing for their skit, which was amusing and involved flute music.  I was advised by many families that this was a fun and pleasant event, and my children would be fine there.  I agreed that something like that sounded relatively enjoyable, although there is still the problem of Hibiscus getting so over-excited.  For children who prefer to avoid the scary element of Halloween, festivals like that, and some of the Harvest festivals put on by the big churches, are probably a good alternative.  But for my children, who are truly terrified of the evil represented by the skeletons and witches, and have come too close to their own deaths and those of their loved ones which the coffins and skeletons recollect, I did not think even a distant brush with the mainstream celebration was going to be healthy or happy.



So we decided to just escape Halloween this year.  Out in the high desert, there were no scary skeletons and no adults expecting specific but unusual behavior.  We spent most of the weekend outside, which is the easiest place for intense little children to be successful.  There were still issues of which child got to be the hiking leader, and who was pushing whom, and whether or not it was a good idea to play in the rushing, frigid, river.  Our cabin had an usually steep ladder which just BEGGED to be climbed in unsafe ways, and one post-hike restaurant dinner was fraught with complications, like a spilled water glass and an unreasonable tantrum.  But these are ordinary trials, easily overcome, and overall everyone was active, lively, happy, and healthy.  We climbed the beautiful but most challenging trails at Smith Rock, and all three children were proud of themselves and the power in their little bodies.  I heard questions about Halloween and costumes before our trip, but they faded completely once we were doing something else, which shows that the concerns weren't rooted very deeply for my children.

Some day, we will do something to acknowledge the end of October.  Perhaps it will be with Waldorf School and Harvest Festivals.  Perhaps we will be invited to take part in an actual celebration of Dia de los Muertos or Samhain, which I think have the advantages of dealing honestly with the serious issues which are raised by the season.  Some day, I'm sure we'll go out trick-or-treating -- if for no other reason than to say we have done it!

But maybe in the meanwhile, we'll make it a family tradition to go climb a mountain on the last day of October.  The year is ending, the weather is cold, but we and our bodies are true to ourselves, and strong.  Being strong is good for little children!