Remembering Ndere

On Sunday, we went to the Ndere Dance Troupe yet again.  I have decided that it's too complicated of an outing to do with the children by myself, so we seem to have gotten to the point that whenever we have guests or get to know someone, we try and go back to Ndere.  This time we went with our American friends who are adopting Sorrel.  It is a wonderful performance, and each time it has been a little bit different.  Sometimes I wonder if it is worthwhile to go yet again, since it's an expensive and late evening out, but then I realize that if an African dance troupe came to Portland we would pay a great deal more for the tickets and probably drive up and stay in a hotel as well.  So we go back to Ndere.  The children absolutely love it, and children learn through repetition, so I think they are understanding it and making it their own in a deeper way each time we return.

This time, I was thinking back to all the other times we have gone, and how our family has grown and changed over the months.

✬ The first time we went was when Daddy was visiting in August.  We were still transitioning into being a family, and the older children were in such a state of chaos we decided we couldn't trust them for an evening out with other people.  We didn't want someone running away or laying on the ground and screaming for half an hour straight, both of which were common at the time.  So we just brought Buttercup, because we also felt like she was in a state of bonding that it wasn't okay to leave her behind.  However, the other children screamed absolutely bloody murder when we left, and we had to literally tear them off of us.  Being alone with Buttercup was kind of like being on a date!  She sat on my lap and in the wrap most of the evening, and we were delighted when she perked up and quietly tried to clap her hands.  She ate off our plates, which was her favorite thing.

When they invited the children to dance at the end, I walked down with her still in the wrap.  She did not want to get down, and watched everything with fascinated eyes, but in no way was willing or able to participate.  I would worry that she would be trampled by the other children if she were down on the ground, anyways, as she was quite unstable on her feet at that point.

✬ We brought all three children the next time, in October with my parents.  The concerns about Hibiscus laying on the floor screaming had faded away, but we were very glad to have an even number of adults to children.  We got there early and the children played on the jumping castle before the show.  It wasn't very well inflated, and we were a little worried that Buttercup was going to get squashed, but she was delighted to be with the big kids so we didn't tear her away.  The jumping made Hibiscus all sweaty, which drove her crazy, and she was suddenly itching and crying and hysterical.  Gramma helped wash her off in the bathroom sink to calm the crying, while I helped the other children potty.  It was an example of how even something like taking the children to the bathroom could suddenly turn into a situation that one adult couldn't manage!

The children loved the show and were fascinated.  I actually don't remember what they did during the almost four hours of dancing, except that it was really good to have dinner as a distraction.  They were interested, but didn't really know what to do with themselves while they were watching.  Dinner is one of the reasons I can't manage this event by myself, because they open the buffet an hour or so after the show starts, and someone has to go up and fill a plate and bring it back.  Someone who does not have three children along!  My father brought us all plates, and first of all Hibiscus started eating off a shared plate, and then he got another serving and she devoured that one, and then he invited her to try his fish and she dived into that plateful as well.  And when she finally had to go to the bathroom with Gramma, we quickly signaled the waiter to take everything away, because she would never relinquish any food voluntarily.

Buttercup spent some time in the wrap, but also wanted to run around.  All that running gave her an asthma attack, because she still wasn't very strong yet.  After a while, she was running up and down the terraced steps to keep busy, and suddenly we looked around and she wasn't there any more.  We fanned out and looked desperately in every direction, but didn't find her.  We all had time to get scared before she wandered back, after exploring under other people's tables, apparently, and she thought the whole thing was a great joke.  Then the older kids started to run around like crazy, and we thought they were done for the evening.  We actually had everything packed up and were in the hallway, but Hibiscus and Emerson got all teary and begged to stay for the rest of the performance and promised to be good.  They actually cared so much about the dancing that they managed to control themselves, and we were so proud of them for making it all the way through the rest of the performance.

When the children were invited up to dance, Buttercup and Emerson walked to the stage immediately and simply, because they were told to.  Hibiscus hid under the table.  There weren't many children at that performance, so it was an intimate little dance lesson.  Both children diligently followed the instructions, and Buttercup looked so tiny and adorable.  When the children were invited back again, Buttercup kept jumping around happily in the middle of the stage area.  I suggested to Emerson that he help remind her to come back, and he went out to her and very gently took her by the arm and brought her back to the table.  The emcee commented on what a little gentleman Emerson was; I don't think he knew that he was taking care of his little sister.

✬ The third time was in the middle of November, with "Mr Slinky," the director of our adoption agency in America.  (Hibiscus couldn't figure out how to deal with the consonants in his name, but she had learned the word "slinky" because we had one, so that is what he became!)  This time the children entered with confidence and remembered how to stay near our table.  By the second half of the program, they all were up and dancing along with most of the performance.  I reminded the older children to not go far from us, and they didn't.  I reminded them to keep an eye on Buttercup and not let her wander either, and they did.  She had one burst of run-around energy, and her siblings quickly caught her and returned her to the correct dancing arena.  Hibiscus tied her jacket around her waist to imitate the dancers' costumes, and then all the children danced like that.  They were so proud to tell Mr Slinky about their favorite dances and look forward to what happened next.  Buttercup and I shared a plate of food, and Hibiscus and Emerson shared another one.  There was no fighting or drama over the food.

This time, they expected the dancing, and had had a great deal of conversation about whether they were going to go up.  But that night they didn't include the children's dance, which was a great disappointment.  The whole audience is invited up to dance at the end, and they all went.  Buttercup was in my wrap, and I had to stay with Emerson because he was feeling kind of shy.  The crowd that intimidated Emerson made Hibiscus feel invisible and safe, and she danced with abandon and grace.

✬ We went again this weekend, with the family who is adopting Sorrel.  Like Mr Slinky, they were helpful as an extra adult presence, but they weren't really involved in helping with the details of my children.  It didn't even come up, because we don't need it any more.  We aren't having any crisis in the bathroom which one mother's hands can't take care of.  In fact, I even left some of the children at the table while I took others to the bathroom, and I think Hibiscus might have even gone by herself, and no one thought twice about it.  It is helpful to have the moral support, be able to get the dinner, and have someone to talk with Hibiscus.  She loved helping out with Sorrel, and they also let her take some pictures with their tablet camera, both of which duties she took enthusiastically and seriously.  Until she got into looking at all the other pictures and videos on the tablet; her focus is still fairly short-lived!  We shared two plates of dinner like the last time, but I needed to get Buttercup an extra dessert plate to put her portion on to.  She's a big girl now, and wants a plate of her own.  Hibiscus stopped eating when she was full, and although she kept nibbling, she didn't protest when the waiter came to clear the plates.

After eating, the children immediately stood up to dance along with the performers.  Emerson was even trying some of the hip-shaking moves, but whenever I glanced his way he became embarrassed and stopped.  Hibiscus was also more self-conscious than she had been before, until the very end, but Buttercup danced enthusiastically the whole time.  She is actually learning some of the moves.  She didn't spent any time at all in the wrap.  I didn't even remind anyone about staying close, because they all know not to run away.

When the children were invited up, Buttercup was practically on the stage already, and went bounding forward.  Emerson started to go, but then started to feel shy, so I encouraged him.  Hibiscus looked like she wanted to go, but she clung to me and refused.  She wailed at me to not drag her out, which I never would have done, but I could tell she was almost moving.  By then Emerson had gotten worried and started to come back, and then Buttercup was confused about why her brother and sister weren't coming and so she had started back to me as well.  (So different from when she stayed on stage after all the other children; now she was noticing the difference between what everyone else was doing and her own family was doing!)  So I kind of took Emerson's hand and went back out before he could leave the stage entirely, and Hibiscus stayed clinging to me, so we all made it out.  I didn't like going up on stage for these kinds of dances when I was a child, and I didn't like being the only adult out there.... but the things we put up with for our children!  I joined the circle and participated with all the calm enthusiasm I could muster.  I think Emerson still felt self-conscious and shy, but he made it through, and I hope he was proud of that; I really wouldn't want to push a child to go out there if it wasn't making them happy.  Buttercup danced enthusiastically and with the confidence of knowing the routine.  As soon as she got going, Hibiscus was as happy as a clam and so proud to show off everything she could do!


So that's our six months of family time, via the excellent Ndere Dance Troupe!

Going Places Together

(I wrote this on Monday, but didn't quite finish the story.  It gets the idea across, at least, so I am just going to publish it now instead of having it sit around longer!)

On Sunday, we went to church in the morning and a dance performance in the evening.  The church service was over two hours and the dance was four hours and started at 6!  That's a lot of adventure for a family who has just been walking the dusty road back and forth to school for the last month!  

It also proved my instinct of not taking them anywhere was right!  I could handle the random insanity from any two kids at a time, but not all three.  I don't think that's because there are three of them per se, but because all three are in an unsettled phase of their lives, and everything is WAY too exciting, all the time.  Even driving home in the car sent Buttercup into High Manic mode, because she's never been in a car at night and all the lights were super-stimulating.

I also noticed that Hibiscus is doing SO MUCH better than she was six weeks ago, when Daddy left.  She was still much more intense and needy than the average child (especially in Uganda), but she didn't immediately stand out to everyone in the vicinity.  She's made it into the high end of normal, instead of totally insane!

Hibiscus has attached herself right onto Gramma, and Gramma took care of most of her little needs while we were out.  Extra hands make all the logistics easier, but it makes the emotional relationships easier, too!  At one point Hibiscus got sweaty, which made her itchy, and then she was scratching and whining and scratching more and getting really upset and frustrated.  Gramma washed her neck and arms gently in the sink and kept talking to her to keep her distracted, and after a few minutes she managed to stop scratching long enough to stop itching.  If I had been alone, I would have tried to help her, but while I washed her neck and arms the other kids would have started running around the bathroom.  Maybe I could have gotten Emerson to distract or hold Buttercup for a moment, but I would have had to wash quickly and be done.  Meanwhile, I also have to put Buttercup on and off the potty and wipe her, and hold both of the younger ones up to the sink so they can wash their hands, and  hand Emerson the soap and help him rinse it all off, and do all of Buttercup's hand-washing while I did my own.  Since Hibiscus's current ability-to-wait level stands at .03 seconds, she would have started jumping and whining and grabbing at my arm if I wasn't paying attention to her, and I would have gotten frustrated that she couldn't see that her brother and sister needed their share of attention, and then I would have gotten internally more frustrated that she wanted attention for something kind of foolish and superficial, while I was trying to manage basic care for the others.  But she would have felt neglected and un-cared-for, and because she was itchy she probably would have started into big-gross-motor actions and run out the door or careened around the bathroom, which would have either made me genuinely mad, or she would have hurt herself.  I should be an attentive mother for injuries, but I get really, really sick of self-inflicted injuries doing something incredibly stupid, especially when I've told her over and over not to do it.  

(Speaking of which, I don't think I've share my very favorite "is this for real?" injury.  It was a couple days after her head wound, when it was still sore.  She was getting ready for bed, and getting manic, and went diving (literally) into her bed.  She popped up, kneeling by her pillows, and started slamming her head on the mattress.  Then, without pause, she lifted up the pillow and slammed her head on that part of the bed.  There was a book or a toy or something under the pillow, so she slammed her barely-healing forehead right into some hard object at full forward velocity.  REALLY??!!  Banging your wound into unseen objects is a good idea why....??!!)

So anyways, having loving Gramma hands is helpful with not only the hands part, but with the ability to maintain loving patience between family members.

And then, there is the dance troupe.  My husband and I went to the show when he was here, but we decided to leave the older kids behind, because we didn't know if they could handle it.  We thought they would have enjoyed it, but it was really a relief to enjoy the show without worrying about them!  

Six weeks later, they are two totally different children.  Emerson has regained his normal equilibrium after struggling with what it meant to have siblings for the first month or so, and in fact, he has come to a better place than where he had been before they joined our family.  He often deflects Hibiscus's grumpy (and probably unconscious) efforts to pick fights, and focuses on something more interesting.  He apparently remembers or realizes that it is a really bad idea, with really immediate consequences, to throw a giant fit in public or run away.  He still throws fits at home, but he has suddenly developed the vocabulary to say -- well, yell -- something like "I want to just take that plate and smash it all up so it's broken!" which is actually a very healthy release, and we usually can work things from there so he doesn't feel like he needs to do it any more.  It usually feels like he kind of WANTS to calm down, and is TRYING to calm down, and if I help meet him with some calm attention like wrapping him up or reading him a book, he usually makes a big effort to do that with me.  So I knew the show would be way too late for Emerson, but I didn't have any real fears that he would run away  or throw a a screaming fit that would disturb the other people.

I don't have a similar confidence in Hibiscus's ability to control herself, but if we give her attention and something to be interested in, she will stay with that and not tumble off into crazy-land.  She does know the facts about staying close to us in public, and although she occasionally forgets, the immediate and constant hand-holds are strikingly boring and she comes right back with those reminders.  I wouldn't vouch for her good behavior on a long day of errands, but I thought she would probably be interested enough in the dance that she probably wouldn't bother to throw a fit.  Also, her English has improved so much, which makes working together in public a lot more smooth.

Buttercup, on the other hand, is getting to be a lot more of a handful!  But at least she's small enough to contain!

The dance was amazing.  The dance troupe is made up of people from different tribes, and they perform dances from all over Uganda, interspersed with amusing monologues about the different cultures, and short, funny bits of language.  For instance, we heard the greeting rituals from several different cultures.  There are 52 indiginous languages in this country, so understanding the idea of difference but similarity is important.  They are promoting peace and cross-cultural understanding through dance and music.  This is a pleasant idea by American standards, but here in Africa, ethnic warfare, opression, fear, and genocide are real for almost everyone.  Everyone my age and above remembers the reign of Idi Amin and Obote, and has stories about how it affected their lives.  Violence in the north has only just ended, and many refugees eke out their livings in Kampala.  The woman who cleans our house -- despite multiple college degrees, she is grateful for the work -- had her sisters burned alive in their family home.  "Peace" is not just a pleasant idea when you really truly know what the opposite means.

The dancing was beautiful, energizing, and athletic.  The children were deeply fascinated!