We're leaving...

... in about ten days.  Unless we're not.

It's hard to plan for this trip the second time around.  We went ahead and got airline tickets for Emerson and I, even though things still aren't certain from the agency's perspective, because if we didn't use our credit from the February trip it was just going to expire and all that money was going to disappear.  And logically, things are progressing well from a legal standpoint, and we still want to get over there with enough time to get to know our new family members before we start living together.  Probably early June will be a very reasonable time to arrive, with those considerations.

But on the not-logical side, it's really hard to plan for this trip.  It doesn't seem like it could possibly be real, because last time it turned out not to be real -- but ironically, at the same time I'm not having any actual anxiety about the match falling through.  I feel calm, but I keep having to remind myself that I'm not going to be at home soon.  I think Emerson is totally confused, and although at times he is still super-excited about having a playmate, at other times he flips his body around and refuses to talk about any of it at all.  I think all these changes have introduced his first real negative feelings about the adoption process.  He's not sure what to believe.

The logical planning is weird, too, because so many things have already been done.  We don't have the chance to prepare ourselves by literally preparing ourselves, because the suitcases are still packed and the doctor's appointments are all finished.  So it's just trying to remember -- have I told the dog-sitter our dates this time around? what medications did I take out of the suitcase? is that going to be due while I'm gone?  There are some big differences this time around: Mark is not travelling with us at the beginning, he will meet us later; the trip will probably be shorter because the agency is doing more of the work ahead of time; and of course, we will be meeting two children instead of one, and their ages are different.

There are a few things that we have been doing that I think have helped open and prepare our hearts.  Emerson and I have worked together to build a new dresser system that all three children can use.  He picked out the colors and was so proud of putting things together all by himself, and for the first time he started using his prospective sisters' names and talking about them like they were real people.  Then he helped me move in and arrange the clothes that I have been collecting in the right drawers, and he loves to open them up and see all the lovely things.  Getting clothes has been a helpful part of the process for me, and now Emerson has been helping... there's something so real about a dress or shirt, or a pile of socks!  I've been working on crocheting blankets for each child, and that has helped to give me a possessive and loving feeling.  That's what family is; it means we do things for each other and take care of each other.  I think doing these concrete, loving actions has helped Emerson and I feel like we are part of a family with these mysterious girls.

But when I explain that we're leaving and people say congratulations, I cringe.  It's not done until it's done.  We've been doing concrete things, but with emotional caution in place: if these girls don't come home, then the dressers will be for a different pair of sisters.  We will have had a nice, educational vacation in Uganda, which is better than just kissing the ticket money goodbye.  I hope this emotional reserve will not get in the way of our relationship with the children, but frankly, I think once we see them everything will start all over.

So it's not time for congratulation, but time for prayers.  And I am not praying that these girls will come home with us, I am praying that they will end up in the best and safest place for them, and that if that is our home that the paperwork will go smoothly.  Lot of prayers for paperwork!

And if you were expecting me to do something in June, please let me know right now, because I'm not going to be able to do it in June!