I've been writing these out on iPad Notes, and some of them have disappeared into the lost internet world lately. The first time I thought the kids were playing with the ipad and accidentally deleted some, but then an entire month's worth of Notes disappeared and I don't think the kids could have done it. Fortunately, most of them were already published or emailed to me, but there were some that were just gone. So I feel like I have shared these stories but you haven't actually had a chance to read them. I don't think I have the energy to entirely re-create them, but I'll try and sum up my thoughts.
**There was one that matched "Buttercup English" about "Hibiscus English," which is really REALLY too bad it was lost because it was things that she was saying and doing at that time that were funny, and I won't be able to remember. The most noticeable part about Hibiscus English is that she substitutes "for" for every single preposition as well as every conjugation of "to be," as well as a couple other assorted words and her "um" kind of substitute. (What was the linguistic title for an "um" word?) This results in remarkable sentences which has "for" as almost every word. When she first arrived, there were things like "mama, for Buttercup for come for crying for Emerson for Buttercup for hitting for come for no-ow." This meant something along the lines of: "Mama, come, because Buttercup is crying because Emerson was hitting her, so please come now."
Except "with." She says "and" instead of "with."
And at the beginning she said "beating" instead of "hitting." And whichever way it is, there is a lot of it. She doesn't appear to believe in accidental bumps, and since wherever she goes a tornado of rough play surrounds her, everyone is always getting "beaten" in her world. Sigh.
**There was one about why Hibiscus is so out of control and so angry. That one was quite emotional to write, and I am quite sure that Hibiscus deleted it as soon as I left the room to help Buttercup go poop.
I think that it is a combination of several things. First of all, I think that she has been in "emergency mode" for so long, and repressed all her feelings that didn't help her get through the day. When we came, I began giving her a safe emotional space and taking care of some of her troubles, and letting her feel sad or weak or little around me. I think our relationship had progressed to the point where she could let down that emotional firewall, for the first time in a very long time, right about the point where she came to live with me. Feeling all these huge feelings is probably even more surprising and awful for her, than it is for me.
And just when she came to live with me was another blow. She had been imagining that for a long time, and then it turned out that she spent so much of her time being angry and sad. That had to have been a huge disappointment.
In fact, I think she has been imagining a "new family" for a very long time, probably long before her actual birth family imploded. It sounds like they never behaved the way families "should" behave, by the standards of her class and culture and situation in life. I've heard of many children, struggling with abuse or neglect or pain, create a whole new family for themselves to dream about. Hibiscus is highly imaginative, so she might have done that. Whatever she dreamed of, I think it involved a very loving, tender mama, and no rules or work whatsoever.
Then there are probably some subconscious things coming to the front. Again, there was time for this to surface in the couple of months that we spent visiting and forming a relationship. By the time she moved in with me, she had lost the impetus to try and impress me and try to be a "good girl" and fit in, because I had already proven that I was interested in her even when she was not feeling or being "good."
First of all, I think she felt the need to test the limits of this love, and the rules that I set out. What would it take for me to send her back to the orphanage? Is this really a mama through thick and thin, no matter what? And I promised her that there is no hitting or beating in our family, and I will stop the children from hitting each other and I will never hit them. There are times when she is so actively and obviously just TRYING to make me mad, and madder, and madder, that I think to myself "is she TRYING to make me decide to spank her?" And then I realize that she probably is, and that the way I "win" is to hold to my promise of never hitting. It calms me right down.
(Although she's ended up getting badly hurt a few times when she attacks me, which makes me feel absolutely terrible. She's large enough that her attack makes me have to actively defend myself, but enough smaller than me that just by weight alone, she ends up the worse off from her own force. And if you're thinking "what kind of parent gets in fights with their child?" just imagine a two-year-old throwing a fit because he wants to hold a knife or have another cookie or run in the street, and when Mama says no he tries running away and becoming a limp spaghetti and trying to climb the counter to grab the knife and cookie and when mom tries to take him down he hits and kicks and bites and spits and screams bloody murder and whaps her with the knife and throws the cookie. Now imagine that spirited toddler is almost 50 pounds and has long, strong arms and legs, and is fully coordinated, but has absolutely the same amount of self-control and awareness of consequences.)
And then secondly, perhaps she thinks of herself as a "bad child" and is working to prove it. Her natural exuberance is not appreciated in Ugandan culture, and since it goes without saying that naughty children need a beating to keep them in line, she probably would have gotten in some trouble no matter how she was growing up. But coupled with clearly not having anyone to teach her what she is SUPPOSED to do, she just has no chance at being culturally successful. I don't know if there is a point where she felt loved and worthwhile in spite of her behavior, or if she always felt like love was conditional.
Furthermore, given the age she was when she lived with her birth family, she probably felt like a great deal of their problems were her fault. Since there were a very large number of problems and disasters, if they were all the fault of one little girls she would certainly have to be very "bad."
So she might be trying to prove her "badness" in this new situation. It's easier to be what you know how to be instead of starting something new (although I'm quite sure most of this behavior has never existed in her life before, because it simply wouldn't have been tolerated, at all).
Similarly, she might be trying to get into habits of behavior she had with her birth parents or other adults. She might be actively trying to drive me crazy because that was a reaction she could get, driving someone crazy. I'm naturally pretty unflappable, so she has to try really hard!
**And then naturally I had to lose a post about Buttercup. I wrote that one just this week, about bonding. Now that she has learned to trust me and that I will take care of her, I am a little worried that she is willing to extend that trust to the entire rest of the world. The rest of Uganda is very happy to oblige. It seems like every time I turn around someone has picked her up or she's in someone's lap or walking away from me holding someone's hand. They are just trying to be helpful (okay, if you really want to be helpful, could you do something about one of the children who is actively being a pest, instead of "helping" me with the one who is totally calm?) and they can't imagine, culturally, what is wrong with touching or snuggling or holding a sweet baby. But it's exactly the wrong thing for Buttercup at this point in her bonding development. She needs to learn that the mother/parent/family relationship is unique and stronger than any other relationship. So I think I need to keep her wrapped up more, instead of letting her down in public where people feel free to touch and hold her.
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