This has been on my mind for months now, but I started writing about it somewhere else and realized that this is the flip side of what I wrote last night. I was feeling so discouraged about losing myself, but I need to continue to have faith and strength in the self that is within me. Personality is intrinsically connected to what is going on outside of us, and our past experiences, but we are also more than that.
Desmond Tutu, who has written some wonderful religious books for children, talks about "God's dream" for each of us. I haven't read Tutu's adult explanations of what he means, but the idea has taken root for me. To me, it is about being the fulfillment of what each of us COULD be. Not that there is a perfect person or an ideal we are striving for, but that each person has a unique place, a unique direction, and more than that, inside ourselves we are something worth dreaming about. God is hoping that we take the steps to get ourselves there, and helping and guiding us as much as we allow Him to.
Perhaps because I am a strongly analytical person, using personality systems has helped me to think more fully about this, both about myself and the people around me. I have used a number of them, but the Enneagram is my favorite, because it is more focused on our inner selves (our desires and fears) than our outward behavior. It took me years of playing with the Enneagram off and on to realize what type I actually was.
I think most of us wish we were something other than what we are, and especially in youth we like to play with different personalities. Whether from my own insecurity or because of the outside pressures and assumptions around me, I formed a very strong idea of the kind of person who was "best" and who I wanted to be. I nurtured all those qualities in myself, tried to push away what didn't fit my self-selected image, and was frustrated or guilty about what I couldn't change. I wanted to be competent, energetic, productive, respected, elegant, and friendly. (Those don't even all go together!)
Now I can recognize that these are many of my secondary characteristics, but not the crux of who I am. I was pretty good at acting that way because I was putting all my emphasis on something that I could do... but the thing is, we don't get to decide who we are. We are Created by something beyond ourselves, and we can't re-build ourselves like a basket of legos. It was exhausting constantly trying to be something specific, and even when I got compliments on how well I did ("you're amazing; I don't know how you get so much done!") I felt kind of guilty, like I hadn't really earned it.
Thinking about the Enneagram helped me accept my natural strengths instead of trying to create them, but I hadn't realized that something was missing. We human beings doing exist simply on the inside. We have to be true to ourselves on the outside, too.
I scoffed at "beauty profiling" for a long time, but in the fog when we lost Rehema and all our plans, I starting looking into Dress Your Truth, just as something fun to distract myself, because a lot of my friends on-line did it and it was easy for me to access. In the last few months, I have stumbled into seasonal analysis for the same reason, because people on my wrapping site are talking about it, and it's something to think about other than my worries.
But it turns out that it's much more than that. Perhaps I'll find something more in the future, but right now it feels like I've finally admitted the completion of the circle of acknowledging who I am. (Not understanding it fully; that is a life-long journey.) I wanted to think that the way I dressed wasn't that important and I would just let it fade into the background, but we ARE what we look like. And furthermore, thinking about what I look like and how I dress has helped me to face inconsistencies in the way I was thinking about myself. And finally, honestly, I'm a woman, and an American woman. How I look is important to how I feel about myself.
So that's my journey from the outside, and here is the journey from the inside. I am an Enneagram Type 9: the Peacemaker (with an 8 wing); Dress Your Truth Type 3: Soft and Subtle (with a secondary 1); and my season is Soft Summer. I am the opposite of energetic and elegant! Drawing descriptions from the different systems, I am peaceful, detail-oriented, supportive, able to get along with anyone, natural/Nature-like, able to be thinking or feeling, calm, subtle, comforting, slow, prone to laziness, introverted, have a rich inner life, peaceful, comforting, gentle, easily mistaken or misidentified, chameleon-like and blends in easily, conflict-avoidant, relaxed, stable, agreeable, accepting, creative, optimistic, and "devoted to the internal and external quest for peace."
(I kind of cringe writing all that, sure that people who know me will read and think "what is she talking about? I think she's really xyz, she's fooling herself!" But first of all, any system's definition has a lot of subtleties that obviously I'm not trying to address, and second of all, remember that chameleon part? In every system, it says this type is the hardest to identify because they're so good at acting like something different!)
Type 9Soft Summer
These last few months have been so hard in so many ways. I have been reduced to emotional mush multiple times in my life, for crisis that were real but probably not as overpowering as these. Part of being able to withstand this trial is growing up and making it through other hard times. Part of it is gaining a deeper trust in God. And part of it is gaining a deeper trust in myself and my own powers, which is actually part of trusting in God, since He made me.
Or put another way, I could not get through these months if I was spending even one iota of energy on trying to be someone who I am not. Accepting who I am has given me the power to get through it. I could get frantic about all the things I haven't done, but I've been able to say "I don't work fast, but I'm really good at being patient. I can wait for this to come through." I might feel guilty about all the things I'm not doing for my children, but I can say "I don't naturally have that child-like energy and enthusiasm, but I know that I'm naturally peaceful and calm; they will come back to me and be refreshed when they need it." When I'm feeling so angry and overwhelmed, I know where to find my foggy, distant place and not let it take over, and I take comfort that those intense emotions come through gently and softly and my children don't have to take the worst of it.... but on the other side of the coin, I don't raise my voice and shout for joy, either.
Yes, I'm spending more time sitting around the house and not really getting anything done. But I don't need to feel any guilt about it. Some people (3's in both systems, actually) really are do-ers, and their feelings of self-worth are based on their accomplishments, which also just seem to happen naturally in a whirlwind around their bodies. I'm not like that. It doesn't matter to me if I get anything done, other than technically needing it done. I like to do things for the sake of the journey and that feels good, but I also have the capability to wait quietly.
Waiting. You might have noticed that there has been a lot of waiting in the last few months. I thank God that actually, inside, I'm a very patient person. When a type 9 goes to their negative side, they can lose their natural balance and become a worrier. So I remember that, and in this whole time I have not succumbed to bouts of worry and frustration. Instead, I read a book or start thinking about what wrap I'm going to buy next and totally ignore the whole situation. Thinking about personality systems has helped me realize that this is actually a good coping mechanism for me and I don't need to feel guilty about tuning out; it's what I'm good at! It's not always the best direction, but when you honestly can't do anything about a situation, ignoring it completely is actually a pretty good option. And it IS an option for me, unlike a more action-oriented or idealistic personality.
Tuning out is something I try not to do to my children, but when I acknowledge my inner self it's also something I can forgive myself for. I am always amazed by moms who plan these amazing projects for their children or talk about how happy they were to get down on the floor and play together. Did you see "playful" or "full of energy" on the list above? Not so much. I don't need to feel bad about not playing with my children, and furthermore, they would probably instinctually sense that I wasn't happy about playing with them. Instead, I can acknowledge that I'm really good at making people feel peaceful and comfortable and accepted. I can read my book while they act like wild monkeys together, and when they gather round or settle into bed, I create a place of peace and love. I'm the home base, not the adventure.
And as a result, they probably feel more truly loved because I am acting in a way that is true to myself instead of being somewhat dissatisfied doing something I don't care about. And I reserve my energy for when we really need it, instead of constantly spending myself trying to be "playful" or "productive" or planning activities.
I can also acknowledge why some things are particularly hard on me. I hate conflict and disapproval, so Hibiscus's loud and strident tone really wears me down, because I am so sensitive to negativity. That's my problem, not hers, and it helps (a little) to remind myself. (It's also the natural way that people in this culture speak; I'm really looking forward to her being surrounded by Waldorf teachers who speak REALLY GENTLY!)
But if the kids' roughness is hard on me, I can be grateful that it doesn't go the other direction. At this point in their lives, all three children are distinctly un-9-ish, which doesn't mean that they're not sensitive to me and my emotions, but it does mean that my threshold for conflict is lower than theirs. So on the days when I've felt particularly upset and angry, I'm probably not acting particularly angry by others' standards. And then with my "gift of peace," I'm probably better at restoring harmony than I might otherwise be. I hope so.
My personality type might be calm, but it is not passive. What looks soft on the outside actually has a lot of inner strength. In the seasons, it is described that Soft Summer is closest to Autumn, which is a season of strength. The gentle and floating 9 takes a wing from the 8, which is the Enneagram representing the power of Mars. I've called on those sides of myself in the last few months as well. But I haven't needed to BE them. I don't need to dress in a "power suit" and go into meetings with the strong personality of an 8, because I know that I have my own, different power as a 9. When I was in college and starting my professional life, I tried to dress in strong colors and smooth lines so that people would take me seriously. It turns out that I was probably just sending mixed messages, and perhaps even accentuating my own softness and youth by setting up such a dramatic contrast. Softness is not silliness.
Last night I was looking at Soft Summer definitions on the web, and I found an image that really struck me: looking out at a field, with an oak in the foreground and dark trees in the background, through some mist or light rain. They're right. That's me. I don't HAVE to try and be sunshine, I don't have to try and be a cheerful beach scene, I don't have to be vibrant fall colors and apple-picking. Accepting myself as a Type 9 Soft Summer allows me to let go of that. Who doesn't want to be sunshine? We all like sunshine, and we all want to be sunny sometimes. And I've been good at being things I'm not, and that has worked some times. But I'm at a time in life when I don't want to do that any more. I could exhaust myself trying to spread sunshine around, or we could sit down together with a cup of tea and look out at the mist over the grass and take deep breaths. And I can go on a long time like that.
So, I'll draw from the wells within me, and keep on keeping on. Hopefully taking baby steps toward the ME that God dreams for me.
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